Perfect
by promenade
Summary: I seem to be on a writing spree... this is already my third fic! It's a tribute to Mary Sues, what's 'perfect', anyway? PLEASE R&R! 2nd Chapter, revised.
1. What Happened

**I am not Kazuya Minekura. **

**A/N: I must thank Chococat13 for the further elaboration the irritating existence of the well-loved Mary Sue. Thus, giving me an idea for this fic.  
****It's really funny that I've actually made an OC… but she's kind of useless.  
****I would also like to add that this fic is very uncanny. Just telling you before you see what my mind's cooked up, this time. :)**

Chapter One: What Happened.

"Are you sure we can leave the monkey alone in the restaurant?" Gojyo asked.

"He's practically more than 518 years old, he can take care of himself." Sanzo shrugged.

"Tch… that's not what I meant stupid monk." He muttered under his breath.

There was free buffet downstairs because it was some what's- her- name- goddess's feast day, which none of them really cared about. Wherever there was a place that seemed to be over flowing with food, there would be a Goku grinning ear to ear, begging to be able to help 'getting rid' of the surplus rations.

The others have already eaten, which what seemed to be not even a twentieth of what Goku had been eating. None of them had wanted to accompany the ape, since all there was to serve as entertainment was watching Goku shove buckets of food down his throat. Obviously, not enough to satisfy the needs of a corrupt monk, a perverted water sprite or someone who had to wash his allies' garments…

Hakkai was doing the laundry in the comfort room, smiling to himself. 'Ah, we're all such good friends, aren't we?' he thought, listening to their conversation through the ajar door. The window was opened due to the acrid smell of the cigarette smoke coming from the other room.

Sanzo was absorbed in his newspaper, with a cigarette in hand, whilst the kappa browsed through his dirty magazines, also smoking. Hakkai was just rinsing the soap of the clothes... when suddenly a draft of wind entered the room. They all shivered. This was no ordinary breeze. Hakkai left the CR and entered the main room.

There was a mini- tornado forming in front of the three. Gojyo was kneeling on the bed, his mouth gaping at the whirlwind, Sanzo was indifferent, barely moving his gaze to the site in front. Hakkai was standing up, curious to what was happening. All three could sense that the force wasn't demonic, and it was no threat either.

What appeared was a beautiful woman, dressed in a Roman princess' dress. Her hair looked smooth as silk and skin looked as clear as day. Her long hair was draped on her shoulder, reaching her waist. Her outfit was clinging so perfectly onto her sexy figure. She was drop- dead gorgeous.

"Hello." she said.

Gojyo immediately got off the bed and put on his I'm-so-cute-you-can't-resist-me smiles. "Hey, babe." He said lazily.

"Man, cockroaches really work fast." Sanzo said, mockingly.

"What did you say?! You fucking monk!" came the reply from the red head.

"I said, 'cockroaches work fast'… do you have a problem with my being frank you stupid kappa?!"

"Why you stupid corrupt monk! Why are ya' calling me a cockroach all of a sudden, jackass?!"

Sanzo lifted his finger, "look at the mirror, asshole, antennas!"

"Damn it!"

The woman started to loose her patience, she's heard that the Sanzo- ikkou was very unmannered, but she didn't think she would be totally ignored by these bumbling fools! Who knew they could be so rude?!

Hakkai tried to reason with the two, "Now, now, we have a guest. Please settle down, children." He immediately regretted his involuntary mention of the word 'children'… but he couldn't help it, they always seemed to be like two school kids, fighting over such trivial things.

"'Kai! What the fuck?!" Gojyo burst out, "Children?!"

"Yeah, Hakkai, how could you group me in the same level as his? He doesn't even pass 'human', damn it!" Sanzo countered.

"What did you say, monk?"

Hakkai sighed, he turned towards their guest and started, "I'm sorry miss but-" he wasn't able to finish…

"I've had enough of this nonsense!" the beautiful lady shouted suddenly. Then, just as quick as her outburst, she instantly regained her composure.

"Uhm… Hi" she tried again. She spoke soft and sweetly, the graceful lilt and tone in her voice hypnotized Gojyo. Sanzo was glaring, showing no emotion. Hakkai was just smiling peacefully.

"What do you want?" Sanzo blandly stated.

"My name's 'Misou' and I am a goddess." She battered her eyelids.

"And?" he continued, coolly.

"You see, it's my feast day today and I really would appreciate it if you celebrated it with your little monkey friend, downstairs."

All Gojyo do was stare, mesmerized be the hott chick in front of him, whilst Hakkai just kept jovial.

"Why would I wanna do that?" the blonde raised his eyebrow.

"Okay, mister I've had enough of your bad attitude! What's your problem?" the Goddess Misou, pouted. "This is my feast and I want everything to be absolutely PERFECT."

"Do I care?" Sanzo said.

"Damn it… since you won't pay your respects to me, you'll have to learn the hard way then! See, what the Goddess of Perfection can do!" She started throwing some dust into the air which Sanzo, Hakkai and Gojyo inhaled and started coughing… rendering to unconsciousness.

**'Mi- sou'; Mary- Sue... get it:D**


	2. WTF!

**I am not Kazuya Minekura. **

**A/N: A big THANK YOU (again) to kenihiko and Jayne-Aural for reviewing! Also to Eyes of Shinigami for the morale support!  
****I really don't know what 'absolute perfection' is, so I'm using my own delusional view of the concept. (That's why the 'perfect' people don't really seem 'perfect' in their category, or something…)  
****I hope you understand event the slightest bit of my messed- up fic… I don't know how to make it better.  
****sobs… it's kinda long.**

**Note: I was able to slip in enough time to proof- read... re- edited version. (there's actually not much changes, except for correcting the typos :D)**

**Oh… I must thank the Webster's New College II Dictionary. It drove me crazy just checking the parts of speech that are applicable to some words...**

**WARNING: The language is incredulous.**

Chapter Two: WTF?!

"Sanzo! Sanzo! Sanzooo!!!"

_Damn. It's the saru. What the hell does he want? _

The monk's eyes fluttered to open…

"Hello, my disciple. What is the matter?" replied the blonde.

_What the fuck?! Where the hell did that come from? _

He tried lifting his hand to bring out his fan, concealed in his robes….

Nothing.

Instead, his body involuntarily stood up.

"Uhh… Sanzo, are you okay? I saw you on the sleeping on the ground and it was real weird." Goku mumbled. The brunette was skeptical towards his keeper's sudden… _concern. _He even seemed a bit… no, REALLY _nice_!

"I'm fine, my infantile Goku, is there something disconcerting you?" the man said.

"Who are you?! What did you do to the real Sanzo?! Sanzo's not nice, an' he doesn't use BIG WORDS!" the boy cried.

The monk got somewhat mad… "I am appalled! Son Goku, I am your master, the greatest Buddhist in the world! You must pay your respects to me, for I am one of the supreme-…"

"Sanzo-" Goku tried to interrupt but he didn't think it was wise to but in, when 'this' Sanzo was talking… even though he knew this wasn't HIS Sanzo, he was absolutely certain that the amethyst- eyed man before him had HIS Sanzo's body.

'Unless…' Goku thought, 'they cloned Sanzo! Or made a carbon copy of him!'… no, that wasn't possible. He knew it. This was Sanzo's body alright! … he could smell it.

"-…I am the most superlative man in the world, the one human closest to god and Buddha. Although there are other Sanzo's, I am the best! I was named the 21st Toa…" the monk continued rambling.

_What the heck? Damn it! What's with that trash coming outta my mouth?! _

"… a great man, Koumyou Sanzo passed on what has been a Buddhist tradition that…" the 'fake' Sanzo continued ranting.

_How dare he?! My master… This bastard won't get to see tomorrow, when I'm through with him!. _Sanzo felt so helpless… no matter how much anger he could summon, all he seemed to do was feel his lips moving, but the words coming out of his mouth weren't his.

"Shut up, you damned priest!" a third party suddenly interrupted. "After I come home from the brothel's this is how you greet me? By boring me to tears?" the voice scoffed.

_The kappa was up before I was? _

Goku turned around to see Gojyo behind him.

"Gojyo! Dontcha think there's something wrong with Sanzo? He's PREACHING! He ne'er used tah do that!" the monkey told the kappa.

"Hell, yeah. Only a dimwit would be a monk! He's wasting his time chanting and holding prayer beads thinking it'll fucking save him to go to Nirvana or shit! A 'better place' they say… MY DICK! When yah cross the line to the next world, it doesn't fucking matter! Nothing's better than a hott woman, under you, panting and calling your name! He should get some pussy, damn it!"

_What are these words coming out of my mouth?! I have to admit I believe them, with all my heart and soul…but that's not the point! I ain't saying anything! What's wrong with the monk? What's wrong with me! I can't control nothing! Gojyo, snap out of it!!! _

_Hey kappa! I can hear you, fucking pervert! Shut the fuck up, it was already annoying without you! _

"Gojyo! What's wrong with you?! What's happening?" the monkey sobbed.

_Sanzo! You can hear really hear me, this is no time for jokes, you corrupt monk! I ain't controlling myself! I think you should start being SERIOUS... this situation we're in is seriously fucked up, damn it! _Gojyo said desperately.

_Hey, kappa... you're right._

Gojyo was in shock. Sanzo was _AGREEING _with him.

_YA THINK?! Dumb assed cockroach!_

_Hey! I finally think that I should give you a __minuscule amount of my respect, so that a hott chick would feel my awesomeness through that microscopic reverence I SHOULD'VE had for you, but yah wasted your opportunity to taste even a bit of my over- whelming greatness! _**(A/N: I shouldn't have put this...)**

The monk said two things...

_Haha. YOU WISH!_

_Why you corrupt monk...!_

"Oh my." Another person joined in.

"Hakkai! There's something really funny goin' on with Sanzo and Gojyo! Gojyo's more pervert-y and green an' Sanzo's nice and monk-y!!! Something mustah happened to them! Please don't be weird too!" the monkey was exasperated.

"No worries, Goku." The emerald- eyed man smiled. "I'm normal… and I know what happened to those two."

_HE DOES?! _The monk and the water sprite thought, simultaneously.

_Yeah, I do. _

_Hey 'Kai! How come you and the monkey are the only ones normal? Why can you 'read' our thoughts? The monkey's as clueless and useless, as ever! _

_You better get us out of this quick, or I'll kill you! _

Hakkai didn't show any signs of uneasiness with Sanzo's intimidation.

_You're in no position to make threats, Sanzo. _

_Tch. _

_Haha! Brainless monk! You're getting as dumb as the monkey! _

_Fuck off, cockroach! _

_Haha! Suck my cock! _

"Uhh, Hakkai, what are you doing? Why are you talking to yourself?" Goku asked suddenly.

"Oh, sorry Goku…" Hakkai apologized.

"Damn you, stupid monk, go fuck a goat! Get your holy ass laid already!" the 'other' Gojyo yelled.

"How dare you have the audacity to insinuate that I shall tolerate such a diabolical act of nonsense! If you persist to continue, I shall be forced to draw forward my prowess and personally summon my omnipotent competency of forceful Buddhism on you. Now, vanish from my optical horizon!" **(A/N: All hail Webster's!) **shouted the 'other' Sanzo.

"What's with all the fancy talk, Sanzo- sama? I know you're doing all this 'cause you want my body… dirty monk!" jeered the kappa.

"I don't see any relevance or sense to what you have just stated, unholy one." countred the blonde.

_Wow. I'm impressed! Even if the real 'Sanzo' and 'Gojyo' aren't here, their love remains! The only difference is that Gojyo's become more promiscuous and Sanzo more… err… holy. _**(A/N: Oops, something very unlike Hakkai !)**

_Shut up, 'Kai! We're already in a bad situation, here, you're not helping!!! _

_Damn it! _At the stir of the moment, that was all Sanzo could come up with.

"Come with me." Hakkai told Goku. The healer brought the boy downstairs to the library, leaving the 'fakes' behind.

* * *

"And so…?" Goku questioned.

The green- eyed man showed Goku a book entitled, "The Book of Heavenly Beings"… it had royal colors of gold and scarlet. There were intricate illustrations of the great beings know in heaven. They were beautifully drawn and each page was covered in varnish.

Hakkai sighed, "Do you remember why there was so much free food a while ago?"

"YEAH!" he replied, enthusiastically. "I remember there was soup, an' chicken, and, crab, an' pork buns and…"

"Yes, Goku, I'm aware of that… but do you know WHY there was food?" he asked slowly.

"Um… No."

'Kai turned the book to the page entitled, 'The Goddess of Perfection'. A picture of a stunning woman with long black hair was there.

"You see, it was this lady's feast." Hakkai pointed at the goddess. "When you were eating, she appeared to us."

Goku nodded.

"The woman wanted us to go downstairs and celebrate with you-" he was cut off by the chimp.

"See! I told yah guys!!! You should eat! I toldja! Tol'ja so, tol'ja so!" the boy chanted.

Hakkai started to twitch. He gathered up what was left of his patience and tried to continue explaining what happened to this kid.

"Goku, please calm down." Hakkai said coldly, even with his plastered smile on his face.

Goku stopped, "Sorry, Hakkai."

"As I was saying, she wanted us to celebrate her feast with everyone else, but Sanzo and Gojyo fought…" her tried to make it succinct and simple enough, so that the monkey may comprehend. "she said her name was Misou-"

At the mention of food, Goku began to jump. "Miso! I love Miso soup! Ne, Hakkai, is she the goddess of food? Does she make good soup? I love ramen too!"

"Ahem…" Hakkai butt in.

"Oh yeah, sorry."

"Goku, please be quiet until I'm dome explaining, and she's not the Goddess of FOOD, she's of PERFECTION." He pointed once again at the lady on the well- published paper and underlined the title with his finger.

The monkey noded.

He didn't know what was wrong with the boy, but whatever it was, after all those years of putting up with his childish attitude, plus first- hand experience with way moreannoying, more thick- skulled, a tiny whee bit less dense, **(A/N:... and the adverbs and adjectives continue...), **and way noisier kids, he knew he could tolerate it.

He sighed once more. "Anyway, she got mad and threw dust all around us. I was able to put up a barrier with my chi to be able to block myself from majority of the powder… so, I was barely affected. The only symptoms showing I took any of it in, is that I can 'hear' the real Sanzo and Gojyo's thoughts."

"Really? What's Sanzo thinking now?" Goku asked curiously.

"I can't hear them right now, I think it's probably because when they think, it's just like them talking, but only the three of us can hear, so we would have to be in 'talking range'."

"Aw, unfair!" the saru pouted.

Hakkai let Goku's interruption go, even if he did tell him to stay quiet.

He continued.

"Unfortunately, they inhaled everything and are now stuck with this curse." Hakkai showed Goku the picture of a gold bag with brownish dust inside. "According to this book, the curse is called 'Mary Sue'" he took a deep breath, and continued with his elucidation.

"A Mary Sue is someone annoyingly perfect." He kept brief. "Since Sanzo is a monk, he became a 'Mary Sue'- monk, an ideal one. Which means, he'll be very virtuous and will cope with all his followers' expectations and requests... but for some reason, he has a problem with his ego... that's the only flaw I see in his being a 'perfect monk' unless of course, that's how the Buddhist monks preach, I'm not to sure."

**(A/N: Hakkai is a Christian... or so I've heard.)**

"Well, to me, a person with an extroverting ego, has one to cover up his or her low self- esteem... well, that's how I see it. I wonder how this is affecting the REAL Sanzo..."

Goku didn't understand majority of the words spewing out of Hakkai's mouth... for instance there was this certain word... veertwuuwos... WHASSAT?!

Nevertheless, he decided to listen in silence, not to disrupt his older comrade's lecture.

"... for Gojyo, he's become the ultimate pervert."

Hakkai grimaced, "I think he's starting to practice S & M… and it's only been a day! 'Mary Sue' is said to last for at least a week... I dread the day when Gojyo starts to do Bestiality!"

"Hey, Hakkai, what's S & M an' Bestiality?" Goku asked honestly.

Oops. He forgot he was talking a kid.

"Ah, never mind" Hakkai grinned.

'Who would've thought I'd make such a mistake? Hakkai thought to himself. 'When Gojyo starts doing bestiality, he would finally be able to do it with his own kappa kind.' he chuckled.

**The language here is somewhat disturbing… it's utterly twisted, as well… SORRY :)  
****Excuse the ellipses, too! I think I put too many Author's Notes.  
****I must apoplgize for the grammar. I just re- edited it... and it almost seems as though, I've made this fic's obscurity more obvious and made shine out... not good.  
Oh well... **

**If you want the previous (not that edited) one better, please don't hesitate to send me a delightful PM.  
****  
****Since I've just proof- read it... I don't know if there are still anymore typographical errors, sorry... that would be so pathetic.  
****yeah.  
I need HELP and IDEAS! My brain isn't working... After all that load we've been doing here, it's been really hectic. It's amazing I was able to squeeze some time for my measely Chapter 2.  
teehee.****  
****Maybe, humor isn't my 'thing'… they're very out of character, especially Hakkai! But then, maybe… just maybe that's how Hakkai really thinks. O.O.**


End file.
